questions

How do you know that you love someone so much it hurts? 

How do you know that someone will love you back? 

How do you know that person will not cause you any pain? 

How do you know that it is forever? 

How do you live with the fact that even if you are the best of friends with him, both of you can never go beyond that because there is nothing between the two of you?

How do you cope with knowing that he will never love you back because he has someone else?

How do you go on with life knowing that every time you expose your heart to someone, there is always a risk of being torn into shreds?

You don’t. 

There’s no guarantee at all.  

All we have to do is blindly walk to that path hoping that this will be the last time we get hurt.

But we still get hurt.

Sometimes, I want to stop the pain even if it means shutting out my humanity.

Would it be worth it then? 

Would it be worth it that while you never had to bleed for the pain caused by love, you feel that life is worthless?

Where do I got from here then?  Keep my heart under ice or  take the risk of being broken all over again?  

overcoming

I look at my parents and wonder: how do you survive 40 years of marriage to the same person?  I am amazed that they had gone this far with each other, being there through thick and thin, staying together despite of what one had done to the other.  Then I question myself if I would have that kind of marriage, something that would last beyond the love, sex and tears that accompanies it.

But there’s one more challenge to overcome not only between them but all of us as a family.  My father is in stage 1 of his colon cancer and he is scheduled to be operated in mid-July.  It was a shock for us once we found out about this.  It was depressing during the first few weeks after finding out, especially for my father since this could kill him.  When I spoke to him he said if it comes to a point that it would be too painful for him to bear, he wouuld rather die.  My mother and I also had a discussion about his memorial plan if it’s still there.  My sister and I never talk about it at all.  I only sent an instant message to my brother and never got a reaction.  My other sister was told thorugh email by my younger sister and no reaction as well.  I’ve read stories about famililes coping with cancer, but I never imagined that I would be involved with one.

If having cancer is bad enough, the surgery to remove it is even worse.  A portion of the colon would be removed so that the cancer would be removed as well.  The problem with this is that the distance between that particular area and the anus is not determined and if that would be the case, it isn’t certain if a gastric bag would be needed or not.  It would also see if that bag would be permanent or temporary.  But this isn’t the time to think of the future, what matters is the now.

So how do we cope?  We just be ourselves and live normally.  It’s not like life stopped after cancer.  My father still attends church meetings and goes out with friends, accompanies my mom to her physical therapy sessions and at the market.  My mom accompanies him to the oncologist and all throughout the laboratory tests he had to go thorugh, she was there.  The surgeon the oncologist referred us to is part of the doctor’s list in my sister’s health network in her job as an NGO so in some way, it’s connected to her.  I would stay as long as I can in my job since one of its benefits is group medical insurance, this is my only way I can contribute to my father’s treatment.  My parents believe in miracles, knowing that this can be overcome.