So why am I here?  I know now God has a plan for me and I have yet to find out what that is.  I still get confused in my life and the direction I will take.  But compared to three years ago, I'm a different person now.  I still have flaws, yeah that can take a while to tone them down or remove it completely but I felt different and I knew I changed even if sometimes I had no idea I did change.

My purpose in life is to live a meaningful life and enjoy it.

My life has changed since 2006 and looking at my past entries, I see that this shows my more depressing side while Blogger.com shows my angry side.  I registered a new account with LiveJournal, which is a mix of my moods and I use it as an outlet for my creativity.

But once again, I'm back.

think about you even if I know you don't think about me?
want to see you even if I know you don't see me?
want to talk to you even if I know you may not be able to talk to me?
care about you even if I know you don't care about me?
love you even if I know you have never love me at all?

This is what I am really like.

These are the things that inspire me.

And these are the things that inspire fear in me.

Here are my dreams, hopes, and ambitions.

Here are my doubts, worries, and concerns.

Here are my beliefs and values.

Here are my weaknesses and faults.

Can you accept me for whom I am and help to bring out the best in me? 

-Excerpt from an entry in a forum

Dammit, I miss you.

How do you know that someone will love you back? 

How do you know that person will not cause you any pain? 

How do you know that it is forever? 

How do you live with the fact that even if you are the best of friends with him, both of you can never go beyond that because there is nothing between the two of you?

How do you cope with knowing that he will never love you back because he has someone else?

How do you go on with life knowing that every time you expose your heart to someone, there is always a risk of being torn into shreds?

You don't. 

There's no guarantee at all.  

All we have to do is blindly walk to that path hoping that this will be the last time we get hurt.

But we still get hurt.

Sometimes, I want to stop the pain even if it means shutting out my humanity.

Would it be worth it then? 

Would it be worth it that while you never had to bleed for the pain caused by love, you feel that life is worthless?

Where do I got from here then?  Keep my heart under ice or  take the risk of being broken all over again?  

But there's one more challenge to overcome not only between them but all of us as a family.  My father is in stage 1 of his colon cancer and he is scheduled to be operated in mid-July.  It was a shock for us once we found out about this.  It was depressing during the first few weeks after finding out, especially for my father since this could kill him.  When I spoke to him he said if it comes to a point that it would be too painful for him to bear, he wouuld rather die.  My mother and I also had a discussion about his memorial plan if it's still there.  My sister and I never talk about it at all.  I only sent an instant message to my brother and never got a reaction.  My other sister was told thorugh email by my younger sister and no reaction as well.  I've read stories about famililes coping with cancer, but I never imagined that I would be involved with one.

If having cancer is bad enough, the surgery to remove it is even worse.  A portion of the colon would be removed so that the cancer would be removed as well.  The problem with this is that the distance between that particular area and the anus is not determined and if that would be the case, it isn't certain if a gastric bag would be needed or not.  It would also see if that bag would be permanent or temporary.  But this isn't the time to think of the future, what matters is the now.

So how do we cope?  We just be ourselves and live normally.  It's not like life stopped after cancer.  My father still attends church meetings and goes out with friends, accompanies my mom to her physical therapy sessions and at the market.  My mom accompanies him to the oncologist and all throughout the laboratory tests he had to go thorugh, she was there.  The surgeon the oncologist referred us to is part of the doctor's list in my sister's health network in her job as an NGO so in some way, it's connected to her.  I would stay as long as I can in my job since one of its benefits is group medical insurance, this is my only way I can contribute to my father's treatment.  My parents believe in miracles, knowing that this can be overcome.

I went to the hospital the night before yesterday and I saw that my parents were there and so was my sister.  There was takeout food from Jollibee (yehey!) wherein I ate it voraciously (I was hungry then).  Later on, my mom and I went home.

The next day my mom and I went back to the hospital early since both procedures would begin at 8am.  But since this is the Philippines, the actual time those blasted procedures began was at 10am. Not only there was another patient being examined before us, but the doctor was nowhere to be found (it turns out she arrived on time and was making rounds when she was informed that endoscopy and colonoscopy would be delayed).  I went with my dad while my mom and sister stayed behind.  My mom is squeamish with almost anything and my sister is sick and tired of watching people being poked with tubes from their mouths or asses.  Why me?  It's my first time to actually see an actual endoscopy and colonoscopy.  TV's ok but it sure beats seeing it in person.

So I watched the anesthesiologist putting a small bottle of anesthesia in place of my dad's IV fluid and the gastroenterologist sprayed lidocaine in my dad's mouth (which is a very bitter oral anesthesia).  Minutes later, my father fell asleep and the action began.  There was a machine monitoring his pulse,  a third doctor checking his blood pressure every now and then, oxygen for my father while he was unconscious and the last but not the least, the tube used for endoscopy.

The endoscopy was the first and it was fascinating seeing someone's internal organs (even if it's your father).  Eventually it became boring since all I can see is pink tissue and mucous.  When the doctor got to the stomach she told me that there was a healed ulcer and will do a biospy to make sure it is just a harmless piece of tissue.  I just nodded.

When that was over, the colonoscopy began and I'm not sure which is more unnerving, a tube going down your throat or a tube going in your ass.  Now I saw another color aside from pink and two things that made the doctor a little nervous.  One was a polyp on where she commented that my parents are taking turns on getting sick.  She also took some samples on that polyp (and even managed to remove it).  The second one made her uneasy.  It was a small mass and she began taking samples of that as well.  Blood was coming out of that mass and I lost track on how many times she did biopsy on that thing.  She must have seen how wide-eyed I was when I saw all the bleeding and said that it's nothing serious.  Well, duh, you're getting a piece of tissue of course there would be blood.  As if I never graduated from BS Biology.

At almost 11am, it was over.  What was both amusing and annoying was that the other doctors were now tring to wake my father up.  My father did wake up a few minutes later and whenever he closes his eyes the doctors are shouting at him to wake up.  When he tries to get up one of them would restrain him.  I guess they want him awake not mobile.

Dad was wheeled back to his room in a stretcher.  He spent the next hours sleeping.  My sister and mom went out to buy lunch.  

The bad part came when we paid the bill.  Remind me not to go to a hospital that is accredited by our office's insurance.  The disaster began when my father made a remark of staying for another day to rest.  My mom said that he can do that at home so he was supposed to be discharged later in the afternoon.  We ended up leaving early in the evening.  We had the bill computed and was advised that the insurance company would be contacted to compute on how much they will pay.  My father thought it was a free thing, but that doesn't apply to dependents.  So while that is being done, my mom and sis went out to tbe bank and withdrew a few extra cash.

I waited with my dad in his room and I was both pissed and humiliated.  It was past 5 in the afternoon when an aide came in and said that the bill is ready.  I went down to the billing department and I asked the guy on how much it was.  He gave me a sheet and I blinked at the charges.  Five-figure amount for an overnight confinement?  Damn!  Then he showed me on what we are going to actually pay for, I blinked again.  I called my sister and told her how much is being charged (and where the hell they are at that time).  

They got back and I gave them the sheet for the bill.  It was a relief for us to get out of there.  No wonder some people prefer to die instead of being hospitalized, the cost of staying in a private hospital is bad enough to kill you.  Insurance's great, but can be a pain especially when it comes to paying the hospital bills.

At this time, I need another leave, a much longer one.